Friday, May 20, 2011

Hooping Dreams part Duex

This is the first time in my life I was able to fit in a normal sized shirt.
Years ago, I loved myself no matter the size I was and when I moved I decided to change my life.  I wound up losing eighty pounds at that time.   It was life changing.  I don't know how many times there are personal trainers that have struggled the way I have struggled.  I don't mean 20 vanity pounds.  I am talking hundreds of pounds.  The type of hard work that "cutting pop" or "changing to whole grain" doesn't work.  I wanted to be able to help others be able to reach these feats.  I was pondering getting my personal training certification.  I figured, "Eh, I'll wait till I hit my goal."  I never did.  I was pondering it again half a year ago.  I was like, "Eh, when I lost thirty pounds."

Now, I am hooping, I've changed my viewpoints on a lot of stuff.  Why should I ever have to wait till I lose another ten pounds or more?  I understand waiting because of weight restrictions a la pole dancing.  Other things?  No.  I've been to multiple hoop classes now and I've not died of embarrassment.  Let me tell you, running around in veritable circles chasing a hoop is just damn embarrassing.  I'm pretty sure I can conquer the world if I can live through that.

You know what I love to read in my spare time?  Fitness books and magazines.  I want to know the most accurate and healthy ways to lose weight.  I really don't fall much for these "weight loss miracles."  Please don't harp on me about the benefits of some random berry found in Paraguay.  I love telling people they need to lift weights.  Not those silly pink one pound dumbbells.  Real weights.  Women can't pack on that much muscle if they lift a fiver and it sure won't kill them.  I pretty much know enough to easily take a personal training cert and not fail.  I have the passion for it.  I want to be a personal trainer and add hooping to box of tricks.  The only thing I'd worry about is the math part.

I figured I could take personal training through ACE, get HoopBody to come to KY and get the hoop certification through them and be a bona-fide teacher.  I figured if I had time, I'd take classes at the community college part time in areas that'd behoove me for fitness.  At the same time, I'd be working on my fitness.  Maybe I'd open a small studio in town (way down the line).  I'd keep my CNA and do agency. Awesome plan right?  My mother doesn't think so.  She told me, "Doesn't sound lucrative.  You should go ahead and do nursing."  Thanks for crushing my dreams.

Oh, hold on, stop the presses.  I just checked my credit score.  I have no good credit.  I have one bad thing which is $1000 from the one semester of school I did go to.  It's been years.  I called to verify that my mom didn't pay it like she said.  She said, "It's thousands of dollars. I can't do that."  You should see my face right now.  Seriously.  Not a dime has been paid toward that.  If I had even known, I would have at least contributed $10 or more a month.  Whatever I could afford.

The problem is this could potentially wreck one of my lifelong goals (nothing to do with hooping) that could be achieved this summer.  I am so flipping upset that it's not even funny.  I mean I am disgusted.  I don't even have good credit to balance the bad.  What you, my lovely readers, don't know is that my brother is living in California.  He has no job.  He is not in school.  My mother supports him.  She pays for our old babysitters cell phone.  Who knows what else she does that I don't know about? Yet she has the audacity to tell me to go to college when I can't afford it, no time, can't get help/grants/loans for it?  The PT cert is distance education that I can do when/where I want to do it.  It's a one time fee (minus the recerts and CEUs...but still!).

We're trying to find a place to move to that has a yard for me to hoop.  John's step dad is willing to help us with our potential move and asked if my mother would help at all.   John even knew that wouldn't happen. I feel so bad.  I said she might offer to buy the paint but as I said it, I knew she'd offer to get low quality paint which would not do here.  I know John's dad will be stretching is ever last dime to help us and my family can't help at all.

I am just revolted right now.  Pissed.  Fucking want to smash something and cry.  This blog may not have much point.  Other than the fact that I wanted to get it off my chest.  The hoop is giving me dreams. Dreams I want to pursue.  Dreams that I could do for the rest of my life and be happy.  Nursing I'm always apprehensive because there is so much bullshit.  I can't reach my dreams.  It's not like it's a thing that just popped in my head.  I thought about this years ago and it's strong in me right now.  The hoop is making me stronger.  I want to help people find a new life in a smaller body.  I may not have kept all the weight off.  I may not be losing.  The hoop is helping me maintain a fifty pound loss.  If we move, I plan to hit that wagon so hard that the pounds will fall off (hello hooping garage and exercise room!).  New place, new habits?

I guess before the hoop I was in limbo and now I've been found.

Maybe part of this blog post is a plea to anyone to send prayers, vibes, thoughts, whatever you believe in, my way that'll things will fall in place for John and I so that we can get the place we have been looking at.  (hello run on sentence)  I want my hooping backyard and a garden and something that I've wanted for so many years (possible dog in our future, too?).  It may be in our reach but now I'm slightly afraid that it's been screwed up.  If everything works out for the good, I'll have my yard and garden.  I'll probably cry and scream in happiness.  There will be plenty of pictures.  I've only told a few what the plans are because so much could fall through.  It's kind of like waiting for the second trimester when the miscarriage rates get lower?

Sorry for my mental/heart/angry verbal spewage.  Looking for new places to live, feeling half sick, run down from work, and all that has taken so much out of me. I went to the doctor and found out something that was bugging me for a while was probably a germy-bug from work (except the test results won't be in till Monday).  I've been feeling ill and took the night off.  Hopefully, this weekend will be help me feel better.  I just want these plans in the air to go through.  I even told John, "I will do anything to have a backyard to hoop in. I'll throw away most my crap."

1 comment:

  1. Hugs. This is really tough. You are bursting at the seams with ambition, and all the pieces to put it together are not in your control. My mother said some similar things to me when I dropped out of college. She wanted to see practical goals, a career in my hands, a steady income, and something to fall back on. Never mind my passion; never mind my dreams. They had no place in a stable life plan.

    I'm really proud of you that you are working so hard at this and wanting it so badly. I really hope this works out for you, and if it doesn't, I hope it doesn't discourage you in giving up, rather give you the push and courage to find another way to make it happen. I'm glad you're sharing this journey with us.

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