Friday, October 18, 2013

Things are Changing...

I don't really know how to write this post.  Some people will have seen this post coming and others, not so much.  It's not really about hooping either. I made a more detailed post of this blog but it seemed to have caused issues. The original post was only up for 30 minutes which makes me shocked that there were people that actually read it in the time that it was posted.  I know I am not posting as regularly as I used to.  I am hoping that once I am settled, that will change.  I keep listening for songs that would make a good video but I can't find that perfect song.  Songs for me to hoop/tape are songs that pull the emotions and the hooping out of me.  Does that make sense?  I


So here is the big non-hooping news:

 I know I have my issues.  I have made my mistakes.  Many many mistakes. I am not the best cleaner in the world, I'm grumpy, I am very sensitive and more.  I have more growing up to do.  I've made mistakes.  I know this.  Either way it has finally came to the climax:  I can't be married anymore.  I've been thinking this for a while. I even told one friend of mine months ago that I didn't see it not exploding by 5 years.  So here I am admitting that I failed at being married.  This is coming from a person that said, "I'd rather be together miserable than get a divorce."  But I never realized how awful it could be living with a person that you didn't feel liked you for being you.  I feel ashamed and afraid I am making the wrong decision.  It's scary.  I have some people I've worked with that are excited for me because they realized how trapped I felt.  One girl said, "you need to find some hippie guy or something that's covered in tats and stuff."  Hahaha.


So, it seems that my birthday and Christmas presents this year is essentially getting the fuck out of dodge. I have a plan. A co-worker recommended the place she lives in which is near a few of my friends. I'd rather get out of my current town anyways. It includes a washer and dryer in the apartment which is a huge plus and they allow animals. Hopefully if I can scrap everything together, I am hoping that I will get the apartment and be moved in by December. Everything has happened so suddenly that it will be hard for me. I have to get a microwave and basics for my apartment. I won't have a TV (but that's okay) or living room furniture. But all really need is a bed and I should have that. I've already made a budget for when I get moved into the apartment. I plan to save save save. The next few months, I'll be kicking up the overtime (which is what I have been doing for the last 3 except for October due to illness). Hopefully I will still be able to make it to some festivals this year. No matter what, I will be going to playthinkfest. I keep panicking that I am forgetting something off my "to get list" and stuff. I'm really emotional. Even if this was my idea, I'm still hurting over this decision. I could cry at a bottom of a dime right now. I'm hoping once I have a good bit of savings, I can start bellydance classes again or take a few classes (spanish, ASL??).

 I was really stressed yesterday when I was looking at other apartments and a lot of them require cats to be declawed. Barf. Barf. Barf. I am not EVER declawing my Morgyn. That is DISGUSTING. But I think it will all work out. I hope. At least if I can get a deposit of some sort by next week, it will. They said they'd work with me. And unfortunately all this stress is bumming me out about my birthday. I'm going to be 26 years old in a week. So yeah, happy (early) birthday to me. I just realized how much I have awful timing since this is just days before our anniversary and my birthday.


2 comments:

  1. Stumbled across your blog when I did a search for "becoming a better hooper". I'm a newly obsessed hooper, and just ended a relationship for similar things you posted about. It's never better to be with someone, than to be yourself. I don't know anything about you, but everyone has lessons to learn. I seem to make the same mistakes over, and over, and over. It's better to finally learn and live your real life. It opens up all kinds of doors, but I'm sure you've seen it. Stay "hoop"ful ;-) and a living room with no furniture means room to hoop! Been in my place a year and barely got a couch.

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  2. Be proud of yourself for taking this step. Be proud that you wont remain in a negative situation, be proud of the courage this is taking for you.

    At 24 I was almost married, he was shopping for rings, and I thought that's how it should be. He wanted to marry me and I wanted stability. It took someone else to point out what you've just realized, I was unhappy. He didn't help me shine, discover new things, or let me be happy with exactly who I was - even if that girl was a little unusual. 3 years later I can't help but be so greatful for the friend that said, "I don't think you'll truly be happy."

    You deserve happiness, you'll make it through, you'll need friends most days and other days you'll really need only solitude. Meditate, rest, hoop and dream. You just gave yourself the gift of a happier future. I hope you keep your chin up, please reach out if you just need to talk - I make pretty good listener.

    Happy hooping!

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