Friday, January 6, 2012

Why I Felt I Wasn't Worth It....


Part two of my journey for the Biggest Loser Contest.

 I entered a biggest loser contest a few weeks ago.  I really would love to win.  If I do win, I'll try to update my blog from there with pictures, videos and tons of fun stuff.  I also want to get that place hooping.  Do I need it?  Is it going to break my weight loss goals?  No.  But it's a nice extra thing and I think with all the freaking overtime I do at work, I deserve a nice vacation in a warm place!

 I've already lost some weight since I even made that video.  I would have lost more if I hadn't strained that stupid muscle.  That really, really made things worse.  What's the worst thing that may happen if I win that contest?  Maybe an extra pound I wouldn't have lost cause I wouldn't be exercising 1000 minutes a day?

  And also, some people may not like my phrase, "With hooping, I deserve/worth this" or whatever.  The reason I said that is because I've finally accepted myself and what I am capable of doing.  You see, a few years ago, I lost eighty pounds.  Except I couldn't maintain it.  I couldn't step back and say, "Shannon, you're not being selfish by asking for this long to exercise.  You are not being a bad person when you say no to the bread or asking for more veggies."  I thought deep down, I didn't deserve to make myself a priority.  Also, a very important person in my life gave me some backward compliment that basically made me feel like my new thinner body was vomit-inducing because of saggy skin.  That comment hurt beyond I think anything anyone has ever, ever said to me in my entire life and trust me, I have had very horrible things told to me.

I look back and I realize I was not a "shrunken fat person" like I thought.  I actually looked normal sized actually.  But after that person made that comment, I didn't even try anymore like I was at least attempting.  That comment plus my personal self doubt trashed my entire view of myself.  I didn't feel like I was the winner that I truly was.  I trashed my body again.  I didn't care anymore

Most people don't realize that when you are morbidly obese, 80 pounds doesn't look like it would be on someone that just needed to lose 80 pounds.  And when you lose 50 pounds, things may not look drastically different.  Dramatic weight loss is often airbrushed and glossy.  But guess what people?  When I lose all 120whatever pounds, I will show off my saggy skin and be proud of it.  I've been fat all my life and I know I'll have saggy what you call its and excess skin.  Because I know with the hoop, I will always be beautiful.  Even if I am 160 with saggy skin or 273.  If I can post videos online to the public for all to see at 273 and still feel like I'm beautiful, then I really am the winner here.  I don't know if that at all made sense in the way I wanted to explain why I put that caption in my video.  Yes, I know I was always worth it now but I truly did not feel like that.

Link to video to vote on:  http://apps.facebook.com/contestshq/contests/160284/voteable_entries/39288179

Link to Facebook event you can invite others to (this worked!  I did it on my husbands facebook and bam! A few new votes):  http://www.facebook.com/events/306225239422227/


Want to know what I looked like when I thought I was just a shrunken sized fat person but still fat?

It actually really hurts to look at that picture now because a few months after I was on my way back to weight gain, I saw this picture.  With a clearer head, I realized that I didn't look as fat as I thought.  I looked like a slightly "she could lose a few pounds but normal sized chick."  You know as a morbidly obese person, you always feel/look like the person in the picture that screams, "Something here doesn't fit here!"  When I saw that picture, I didn't feel that way about myself. I felt like I fit into the picture with everyone else. I was actually on a weight loss break at that time of the picture. So I'd say about 220-214 around January-ish?

What did I look like at my heaviest?  At 300 (and I had already lost a bit.  I have no true beginning pictures cause I actually lost the first 25 with increased activity due to my job and being a broke bitch):
Although as I make rounds at my usual weight loss haunts and tell them my size with my hooping videos, they say I don't look the weight I said.  Maybe hooping has kept me tighter?  Which I know is not true because my measurements equal close to my 300 pounds measurements.  Yet I don't wear many different clothes.  

Why is hooping so imperative to this weight loss venture? Because the only way I lost weight that time was because I accepted myself as is.  If I accept myself right now at 300 or whatever, nothing matters if I don't hit goal cause I'm just improving me.  I'm not disappointing myself. There was a great comment that Bax said in the HoopPath DVD where Bax says celebrate whatever you can do now in the hoop or whatever.  Not a skinnier or prettier you but YOU.  Does this answer some questions?

PS. I legit cried writing this blog.

3 comments:

  1. Awesome post! I found you through your hoop video on Hoop City. You were the first bigger person I've seen hoop! It gave me hope as a struggle to connect with my body while learning to hoop. I'm also morbidly obese. I started my weight loss journey January of last year. So far I lost 50lb. I started hooping just this last fall and it has definitely given me a positive connection with my body.
    Good luck to you and keep hooping!!

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  2. Shannon I love how honest you are with yourself and this blog. You are so much braver than I will ever be!! I have been hooping for 16 months now, have lost 30 lbs from it, and still can't make a video of myself. I still have a long way to go on my journey. You shine and are an inspiration! Good luck!

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  3. http://www.bodylovewellness.com/2010/06/09/kai-hibbard-biggest-loser-finalist-part-1-of-3/

    You might want to read this before you seriously consider going on The Biggest Loser.

    ReplyDelete